Finding gratitude in grief

I thought I knew grief…

I have buried at least 85 friends & family members to date.

Yet, losing my mom just a year ago completely destroyed me beyond recognition. It is an insurmountable grief, indescribable really. She was my ride or die, my best friend and my both my biggest supporter & critic at the same time. This past year I have picked myself up from a complete puddle of sadness & grief more times than I can count.

See I started losing friends my age at the rate of 3 per year when I was 13.

Yes, 13.

From drownings & murders, diseases, drug overdoses, car accidents, cancer & far far too many suicides. I thought I had found a graceful way of facing death head on. I cry my heart out & always swear to remember their memory & live my life in the best way possible for all of them.

Add in the grief tied to 5 miscarriages & being told at 19 years old that I would never carry a pregnancy to term. I had to grieve the thought of motherhood long before I ever thought to settle down. I sat in that loss for years. (I will go into this devastation and the birth of my daughter on another post). I grieved the loss of babies I would never raise for years.

I truly thought I knew grief.

But when I was awakened with an uncontrollable sobbing, the feeling of an energetic connection being completely severed before even getting the news of my mothers passing, little did I know, that was just the beginning of what has become my new normal.

This past year has shown me darkness I didn’t know existed, both within myself & from people I never expected. Its shown me a new found grace for others in grief.